The golden snitch and other dating disasters.

I’m always surprised when my Tinder/Bumble/Happn dates don’t go well.

Surprising right? I mean you’d think that using GPS technology to meet up with strangers would be 100% balanced?

If you’re not meeting your potential suitors in bars, you’re depending on apps such as Tinder and Bumble to find your next shag/bae/husband. And of course, being a 20-something singleton, I find myself swiping often.

This is where I came across Dave*. Decent pictures? Check. Brief but witty intro? Check. B(r)oom it’s a match. Before I know it we’re chatting away and plan to meet at a bar later on in the week.  First impressions? I wish he had popped some gum beforehand. Second impressions? He seemed nervous. This quickly dissipated as we drank more. Drinks turned into dinner, dinner turned into cocktails, cocktails turned into a sloppy pash at the end of the night.

Now with every potential suitor there are always alarm bells. This guy’s red flag was that he played quidditch. Competitively. Yes that’s right, he played a fake sport where you run around chasing a ball pretending to have a broom in between your legs. Sexy? Not so much, but he clearly took the ‘sport’ of Quidditch seriously, seeing as he not only played, he was a vice captain as well.

But he had good chat so I decided to go on two subsequent dates with him. Perhaps if I didn’t encourage Quidditch chat he would get the idea that I wasn’t a huge fan. However it was on our third get together that he tells me he wasn’t sure our relationship had legs. I had to pardon myself as I was unaware we were even in a relationship after three meetings. But the real reason he was apparently dumping me, was that he didn’t see me fitting into his hectic work and Quidditch life.  I wasn’t meant to be his golden snitch.

Good Lord you know times are rough when you’re shot down because you don’t share a vested interest in a fake sport.

Then I met with Graham* the man who wanted to caress me at the dinner table. First dates, in my opinion, should be had over a coffee or drinks. A casual get together which can last anywhere from 20 minutes (where you fake a emergency phone call) to a few hours.

I met him at a local bar near my work. But one cider in and he’s wanting to hold my hand over the bar table, using his index finger to stroke my palm. Finding this completely cringe, I (not-so)subtly move my hand away. He tries again. He asks me why I’m not into PDA. I try and explain to him that it wasn’t that, it was the fact that I had only met him 15 minutes ago. He seemed offended and I didn’t get a follow up message the next day.

Then I met Adam*, a guy I had swiped yes for on Bumble. He seemed shy but there was an immediate physical attraction. But first, we had to go through the mandatory pleasantries; ‘what do you do for work, how long have you lived in London’.

Two cocktails in and this guy seemed to have had a confidence boost as he thought it was completely ok to ask I was interested in having a gangbang with housemates. Who says chivalry is dead?!

* Names changed to avoid potential awkward conversations.

 

 

The ‘Cool Girl’

The notion of the ‘cool girl’ is irritating as fuck…

Who is the ‘cool girl’ you may ask? She’s the girl who doesn’t care when you take hours to respond. She’s the girl who’s chill with you blowing her off last minute. She’s the girl who’s so down to earth and nice, the girl you take home to meet mumsy. She is flawless, doesn’t drink to excess and isn’t promiscuous.

But ladies and gentlemen this ‘cool girl’ is a façade. She’s not real. 

I mean it’s our own fault really, we try so hard to be the ‘cool girl’ when we first start dating a guy. I’ve been a culprit of this countless times. I would meet someone only to try and give them the impression that I was totally casual and didn’t have any expectations. Meanwhile, I’m my head I’m jumping up and down and picking wedding themes (bohemian chic btw). 

My ‘cool girl’ self would try to not be ‘too available’, (He didn’t need to know that I was staring at my phone at home waiting for a message to pop up). My ‘cool girl’ self would say I was totally sweet with a group hang instead of a one on one date. I would be the ‘cool girl’ and say its fine through gritted teeth when they would tell me that they wanted to ‘keep their options open’.

I would attempt to mould myself into the perfect ‘cool girl’, someone that guys would fall in love with and wifey up. I’d claim that I hated drama and was more of a guys girl.

What. The. Fuck.

If this is what the ‘cool girl’ is like who the hell are we kidding? Why the façade? What’s wrong with being up front? Being vulnerable and putting our cards out there? what’s wrong with being direct and telling someone you’re into them? What are we scared of? 

When you’re the ‘cool girl’ you can’t really say how you feel and heaven forbid you tell them what you want or that *shock horror you’re looking for something serious.

This social phenomenon has once again changed the way we date. We lure our prey into a false sense of security, they’re thinking they’ve found the perfect mate. But before they know it WHAM we hit them with the crazy.  God as if 21st century dating isn’t hard enough? 

So let’s kill the stupidity that is the ‘cool girl’. Let’s be honest with the way we feel because knowing what we want is normal. Speaking our mind is normal. To tell someone you like them isn’t crazy. To make the first move isn’t stalkerish, in fact its a baller move and I appreciate the hustle. We’re not emotionless robots so why are we acting like one?

Authentically Inauthentic

There was an uproar recently when an Australian ‘instafamous’ model came out saying that her life wasn’t what it seemed like. She stated that her mass posts on Instagram were mere ‘perfected’ moments, in which she would painstakingly take hundreds of photos, only to analyse each, searching for the ‘perfect shot’. Great lighting, good angles, this perfect shot is completed with a filter, smoothing out any imperfections.

For the brief moment that it takes her ‘fans’ to see and ‘like’ the photo, in reality, she would spend hours, sometimes days, creating, filtering and obsessing.

So this begs the question, how much can we really trust in social media? Just how authentic is it? How authentic are these ‘natural moments’?

Before I went travelling, I remember seeing people everywhere on my Facebook and Instagram feeds bragging about their worldly travels. #wanderlust. Bikini shot after bikini shot; I saw beautiful beaches, lakes and lagoons. I saw acquaintances riding camels in the desert, friends cliff diving in Dubrovnik and others road tripping through Italy. It seemed that everyone was off having these authentically perfect holidays and lives. It wasn’t until I went travelling myself that I realised how imperfectly perfect my travels were.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely took screeds and screeds of photos of the places I visited, I mean who wouldn’t? Posting on my various social media platforms allowed me to yes brag to others about my travels and what I was up to, but recalled a way to stay in touch with my friends and family who I was missing so much. Sure there was the occasional ‘wistful’ shot that looked natural (in actuality it would take 20 minutes of posing to capture) and sure, I’d take photos, choose what I deemed to be a good one, chuck a cheeky filter on it and post, but I dare you to find someone who wouldn’t.

I received messages from friends and family, each commenting on how it looked like I was having the time of my life. And while I was, I found it interesting to think about what social media doesn’t capture.

My Instagram didn’t mention the time I missed my flight in Athens and had to wait at the airport for 10 hours. My Facebook status didn’t note the time I broke down in Paris about missing home and doubted my decision to move abroad. Nor was I able to chuck a filter on the terrifying experience that was the trip from Athens to Croatia, where we had to pass the Macedonia border and spend a sleepless night on a wet and dirty WW2 train. These things weren’t advertised because who wants to hear about the negatives? Why shine a spotlight on the flaws of your trip when you can post a #tbt of you sipping cocktails in Ibiza? 

But doesn’t this give the wrong impression? it’s not just with travel either, people can post a group shot with the cringe #squadgoals but mention nothing of the time one of the ‘squad’ yelled at you, or got the wrong end of the stick. A blissfully happy couple shot doesn’t mention the time you fought when you were both too drunk. Nor does a #tbt depict how insanely lonely you feel sometimes. So who are we trying to impress? I’m not saying we need to post pictures of all the bad times or the mundanities of life but maybe we should start looking at social media with a pinch of salt.

Social media brings the need to brag about your life, about the clothes you have or the holidays you take. You want to show everyone just how fabulous you and your life are, but the reality is, not everything and everyone is fabulous! We all have flaws and our lives are imperfect and that’s ok! So when you’re next stalking that girl on Instagram who seems to just have it all, remember that it’s not always what meets the eye.

Season, reason or a lifetime…

“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person…When someone is in your life for a REASON,it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty;to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.They may seem like a godsend, and they are.They are there for the reason you need them to be.” Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.”Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.”LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.”— Unknown

I recently found this wee gem online and couldn’t believe how relevant it was to me at this time. It’s scary how true this is, that people are in your life for either a season, reason or a lifetime. I have people in my life that I either have, or its felt like, I’ve known them for a lifetime, people that continually teach me life lessons and are there when I need them. They act as lights in what can be a dark world.

I’ve also known people that have come in and out of my life and whatever form they’ve taken, they’ve taught me things that I needed to learn at that time. When they’ve left my life, it’s because I’ve needed to take something away from them, to learn something new about myself, about what I want, or where I’m going. This is a hard one to fathom; sometimes you don’t understand why certain people leave your life, it seems cruel, unfair and out of the blue. It takes ages for you to realise that they’re gone for a reason, and maybe you just haven’t learnt it yet.

Being the control freak I am, I have a consistent need to have ‘power’ in situations, for me to make decisions, to be in control. When I lose or don’t have said control, I can’t handle it. I feel anxious, uneasy and restless. Sure this is a bad habit, one that I’m working on, but I can’t help how I react. It’s because of this incessant desire to be in control that I find it difficult to move on and am in the constant search for closure. But the above quote makes so much sense and brings me to the realisation that closure is what you learn from the relationship, how its made you a better or different person. It’s not about the happy ending, it’s about finishing a chapter and starting a new one. Often we think that to get closure means for the other person to give it to them. This thinking screams disappointment, as you can’t control how others feel and act, you can only control how you react. When we stop looking for others to make things better, or for fairness to catch up and fix it for us, we can be free. People are going to fuck up, they’re going to hurt you, but if we look to those people to make things better, we’ll be looking forever, maybe the best type of closure is moving on and realising that you never needed closure at all.